My Young Adulthood Crisis.

There has been so many things running through my mind lately, and I’m not even sure if I should start. I admit I’ve lost touch with my blog making it as impersonal as it is now. I used to blog about my life, friends and all the small things that make me a human being. Like how I’m downloading Pro Zombie Soccer Apocalypse right now, listening to Adele’s Someone Like You in my cousin’s room in Maysprings (if you’re reading this now J, thanks so much), while thinking about how my interview will go at 6PM tonight.

It makes me feel uncomfortably vulnerable to pour my heart out in this blog, but I realized that I used to blog for myself and it was simple fun. Where did that go? I became afraid to reveal my humanity when my number of followers slowly grew.. I couldn’t take the thought that so much attention was possible. I feel utterly shy and timid… But I’m gonna step up and grow up. Great things come to those who are brave, I believe that.

But I figured this is something all of you should accept as well; aside from being a photographer, I am also a girl, an ordinary human being with a soul just like you. Maybe when I read this entry a year or two from now, I’ll look fondly at my youth and heart. When current hurdles are dealt with and victory comes, looking back they will be worth all the anxiety and sleepless nights. I decide to remain positive.

I feel so foolish to think I reached this far trying right now, but I know whatever the outcome, there is a great God that will take care of me. I might get hurt with the results, but it just means there is a better plan. I won’t stop believing because it is the only real thing in my life that drives me to do my best through the incredible struggles, and ultimately, it is the only reason to truly live in a world with endless possibilities of all kinds of unimaginable pain.

I’ve dabbled on quitting photography.

I know I’ve written so many things about chasing your dreams and living out your passions, but in my case, I’ve realized that I may have been selfish most of all to my parents. Honestly, the kind of photography I do really isn’t enough for me to make a whole good living. I want to be able to make my parents proud of what I have/will become, so I’ve half-heartedly settled on finding a good boring office job that would be enough to let them know “I’ll be ok now. You did your duty well raising me and providing all my needs.” I just want to give something super great back to them… So if I still can’t get a good enough income with photography, I am willing to work hard doing the mundane office jobs I loathe.

You may ask, so why not do weddings and events?

I love making a kind of art, the ones that are similar to paintings. Art that can tell a story, art that leaves you wanting more, that makes you wonder, that draws you in. I can’t be in it just for the sake of taking pictures, it’s the whole creative process of making an image… Thinking of switching to events, I immediately know I don’t have the stamina to do it. Most of all, I don’t want to risk ruining real people’s precious major major moments like a debut or wedding. The possibility kills me.

But it doesn’t mean I’m giving up on my dreams, I know well I shouldn’t. I’m probably just gonna put them on hold. When I told my cousins about this, one of them hugged me and said “It’s such a waste of your talent!” Even at that sad moment, I was happy because she recognized that I had something unique to offer that not everyone else could give.

I’m eating oatmeal biscuits right now. I love anything with oats. I really don’t want to end this on a depressing note, so I’ll say it’s not really as bad as it sounds. I haven’t completely decided yet but I surrender to fate. I’ll just have to see for myself what Life has waiting for me beyond the door.