Olga.

Beautiful Olga, blooming with the new life within her.

I was ecstatic to be able to shoot again after the busy start of having a real job. Moving on to the road most traveled made me realize nothing can replace the passion I have for creating and dreaming of images. As the daylight creeps through the soft white curtains of my room to signal the end of my forever weird and sometimes mystifying dreams (I once dreamed that I was escorted to the top of the castle by a golden elf who led a small army of trap makers), many times I get too depressed to wake up for work. I end up staring into blank space constantly being prodded by the “Why am I doing this?”

But I always know the answer. So I move on, and put on my office clothes without forgetting my ID.

At the lowest, I thought to myself that I wish I didn’t feel the great passion of doing what I was doing nalang so that I wouldn’t know how it felt like to lose it. I’ve said it many times before, shooting makes me feel so alive. Like I’m on top of the world! When I shoot I end up not caring about anything else, I am lost in another world. 

It’s not a bad thing to work, let me clarify. Maybe I just can’t get over photography, traveling and dreaming. It’s like a soul mate that I had to leave because of death, or at least keeping it optimistic, me waiting for a love taking a dreadfully long vacation. Because I have made it in my mind to chase and look for it after everything ends, I will not say good bye. I’m stubborn like that.

It’s a love I can’t make as much time for as when I was younger and free. Never wild but always wild at heart, relentless and constantly dreaming (just like my love, Fritz, we are both dreamers). I just miss it so badly, straight through the heart. I’m always hoping I don’t get too consumed at work. 

Lately, I’ve slowly learned to stop complaining (it’s not easy!). It’s a real blessing to have work, especially the kind I have now. I realized that accepting it is part of being able to go over the obstacle I have repeatedly made in my mind. Accepting that this is part of life gave me peace of mind, made me put it aside and just try and do one thing everyday towards my dreams, even if its just to give time to think about them.

 And maybe someday you can learn how to make models levitate like me.

Photography isn’t my only dream, and I’m sure it’s not even my greatest heart’s desire. There may be many or a few that we keep within our hearts, sharing them only with those close to us. Ultimately, it’s the search for true happiness — that is joy. In the end, we all just want to be able to close our eyes and smile with the thought of “I lived happily. Thank you Lord.”

So rest assured I can return back to work tomorrow with a contented smile, because I know this is part of how I will learn. There’s a reason for everything, and I know there is a reason why I am working like this now. No use dwelling in the past, might as well take what’s now and make the most of it.

Oh and most importantly…